Sweet Wine to Vinegar 2
by minniegoetze
Summary: "Not even overnight I became a widowed single mother—again." The promise of a loving family with Vincent was lost with his death; Cam's once sweet wine had turned to vinegar. Maybe with the comfort of her daughters and a sincere intern she can find that thread of love again. (AU. Must read first SWV to understand. Takes place during season 7.)
1. The Hole in the Heart

**Author's Note:** Just a reiteration, this is a sequel to my story Sweet Wine to Vinegar, so it's really important you read that first since it sets up the AU aspects of this story! Otherwise, it will come off as weirder than it already is lmao.  
I'm planning on having some chapters, meta-AU chapters as I'd like to call them, where Vincent survived and is experiencing Aida's life with Cam. However, some Cam/Arastoo will develop in the normal storyline. *gasp*

As some of you know I was very resistant to the pairing of Cam and Arastoo because I felt like the idea of it was kinda thrown together, but after watching The Devil in the Details from season 5 they had a very emotional little moment and I FELT it omg. Definite heart eyes. Arastoo and Vincent deserve Cam equally.  
Ok, enough blabbing, I hope you enjoy.

* * *

For a woman who just had a baby, Cam was feeling unglued.

Though the baby had come about a month early, she had viewed her due date as one of life's odd moments that would somehow be skipped on the calendar. The ultrasounds, kicks, and burgeoning stomach certainly implied the presence of her little person. Seeing her now, swaddled at Cam's side, the full reality began to set in; this extension of her and Vincent was no longer theoretical and was now undeniably real.

Yes, the whole pain aspect of birth was widely spread and she completely felt that part, but what about the more complicated-maybe even philosophical issues-that came with it?

The presence of her precious baby, Aida, did bring of course bring a sense of joy. However, it didn't trump a more sneaking, ominous feeling that was building in the back of Cam's mind. Reaching out a hand to rub Aida's small stomach and watching her big eyes stare at Cam in wonder, she tried her best to push it out of her mind. She didn't have to feel everything right now; it would come eventually.

"So, did it feel like you thought it would?" Cam turned away from her gaze at Aida to Angela as she appeared on bedside, balancing Michael on her hip.

"It's just...so bizarre." Cam replied as she laid back in her bed as she took in the physical and mental exhaustion.

"That feeling doesn't exactly go away, just a heads up." Angela said as she sat down on Cam's bed. "This alien just appears seemingly out of nowhere, you're all sore and woozy, and they're attached to you forever. Who came up with the idea anyhow?"

They both laughed as Michael cooed on Angela's lap. "They are pretty darn cute, though." Cam reached out a finger to one of Aida's tiny, perfect fists.

"How are you feeling otherwise?" Angela reached out a comforting hand to Cam.

"I'm okay, considering everything." She squeezed Angela's hand with a smile.

"Well, yeah, birthing another person is a _pretty_ draining thing to do. But don't worry, Michelle will be back soon and the rest of us are going to sort out the murder, eventually, somehow, while you stay and rest." Angela smiled her brilliant, trademark smile.

Cam took a moment to consider her friend, baby in tow. She could remember Angela's own whirlwind of missteps and thrills that brought her to motherhood. Personality-wise, her abundance of love and affection seemed to triple when Michael was born and motherhood quickly became her. The pre-Michael Angela was still there, but the change between the two was instant. Was everyone meant to develop the sense of motherhood that quickly?

"Aida is beautiful and all, perfect even," Cam glanced over at the delicate baby with a smile. "But how on earth do you get used to it?"

"Get used to what?"

"The whole, complete dependence thing. Sure, technically Michelle depends on me but she tries to avoid doing so as much as possible. With this baby, it's different. I feel like I have to grown some extra limbs or an extra cavity in to accompany her." Her situation was unique. She was already a mother and had experienced the general responsibility and selflessness than came with it, but her own infant was a different story

"Like I said, it's so weird. But you just kinda, accept the weirdness because this is where you were meant to be, your baby was meant to be here." Angela replied, full her of brilliant philosophicall musings as always. "You're already an amazing mother."

There was another more complicated question that Cam wanted to ask of Angela, but that moment the rest of their flock was ushered in.

"Hey, sweetie." Hodgins went over to kiss Angela on the cheek with Michael's impressive diaper bag in hand. "I brought the rest of Michael's stuff; what were you mother hens clucking about?"

With a smile, Cam also considered Hodgins' adaptation to the flurry of fatherhood and his complete adoration of Michael.

A part of her brain briefly mused on how Vincent would be adapting to this heartfelt role, maybe even how Hodgins and Booth for that matter would be encouraging him. He hadn't even been able to see her pregnant; he wasn't even allowed that joy. But when he had been alive and they were happy, he had mused about babies once or twice in his young, wistful way. Cam would sweetly laugh it off just because it seemed a bit silly given her age, but now she had wished that she had given his dreams more weight and consideration. She tried to force herself out of this train of thought before the regretful sentiment before it showed itself on her face.

She was shaken out of her lament by a shriek from Daisy who was hanging onto Sweets' arm. "Lance-lot! Look at her! Oh my gosh, oh my gosh she's so cute!" She squealed over the crib, practically jumping up and down.

"Daisy, Daisy you promised me that if I took you to see Dr. Saroyan's baby you'd keep your cool." Sweeties reflexively took Daisy by the shoulders and pulled her away from the baby. "I'm sure that the baby doesn't appreciate the noise."

"Oh Sweets," Booth began as he entered with Brennan and considerable amount of blooming pink flowers and teddy bears. "That's nothing compared to what a _baby_ is capable of, trust me."

"Gosh, please don't remind me, Seeley." Cam said with a soft laugh.

After Brennan sat down her share of the gifts, she excitedly waddled over to Cam. "You won't believe what we found in the gift store!" From behind her back, she revealed an anatomically correct plush heart. "Its an anatomically correct heart! It has all of the arteries, veins, ventricles, and even a little face!"

"Oh, Brennan," Her brows furrowed and her tone became shrill as her joy over Brennan's excitement. The sheer glee on her face was something that Cam sorely needed.

Even the expectation of a baby was already changing Brennan. She always had the ability to be considerate and sincere, though she expressed it sparingly. Now, she had completely opened up and was more forthcoming with her love.

"Dr. Saroyan, could I hold her?" Daisy asked gently from her position by the crib with Sweets behind her, ready to pounce at any sign of untoward intensity.

At first Cam winced, but the presence of a new baby seemed to cancel out any sense of rigidity. "Alright, go ahead, but be careful." She gingerly took Aida out of the crib and handed her to Daisy, though somewhat hesitantly.

Full of careful focus, Daisy took Aida in her arms like she was a fragile piece of bone. "Hello baby," she whispered to Aida as she admired her soft, round face and gleaming eyes. Aida cooed and smiled in response. "Oh, Lance-a-lot can we please please have one?"

Sweets' face flushed as he felt a nervous sweat coming on. He was about to vehemently protest, but he too was consumed by the bouncing baby bliss. "Oh, I don't know, maybe someday." He placed an arm around Daisy and rested his chin on her shoulder, joining in Aida's pure glow.

From her bedside position Brennan too joined the adoration. As she looked at Aida, Cam noticed a slight shine develop in her green eyes which built a sense of worry in her throat. Gazing at Aida, Brennan felt overcome by a startling sense of familiarity when she look at Aida's round, cobalt eyes, full of life. She had seen these before, many times, but the last time she had was seeing life escape them.

"Cam," Brennan began as the sense of sadness grew on her face. "She just looks so..." She trailed off, becoming lost in Aida's imposing looks. She didn't need to say anymore to be immediately understood. It was what everyone was dreading, though no one wanted to admit it.

Trying to control her quivering upper lip, Cam took a deep, shaky breath. She had known from the minute the baby had opened her eyes. While she knew all babies eyes were blue—she had retained that factoid— her eyes were a different kind of blue, the all too familiar blue.

And of course Cam understood human development, and that Aida's looks would change, but everything about her features was almost too much to bare. She had Cam's light tan skin and maybe her chin, but the rest was all Vincent and no one could deny it.

Tears were bubbling out of the corner of Brennan's eyes as Cam's tears took on a similar rush which only intensified the ache in her heart. "Bones," Booth rushed over to Brennan's side, taking her in a tight embrace as a somber air hung in the hospital room.

To Cam's surprise, Brennan gently pulled away from Booth's embrace and went to Cam's side. Brushing away a tear, Brennan tightly held Cam's hand. "I'm just...so sorry. And I understand that my words can't actually change anything about...these circumstances, but if I could I would do so." She said quietly as if it were just the two of them. "A-and I want you to know that I understand the implications of this day, and that no one is forcing you to be happy i-if you can't bring yourself to be."

Feeling a lone tear creep down her cheek, Cam admired Brennan's rational ability to see past the assumed layer of joy, to understand the sense of irrevocable gain with irrevocable loss. Her baby was proof of life, and proof of a death.

Without letting herself get further tied up in this storm of thoughts, she pulled Brennan into an embrace. "I know you understand, Brennan." Brennan was also dealing with a similar duality of motherhood. The loss of her own mother and complicated relationship with her father surely brought up difficult feelings when it came to the birth of her own baby.

Setting Michael down, Angela joined them on the other side of Cam's bed while their male counterparts hung on the edge as they were careful not to disturb the peace of the moment.

Angela tucked a strand of semi-sweaty hair off of Cam's face and behind her ear. "W-we love Vincent, and we love you, and we love this baby. It's not going to be easy, but we'll be here through all of it."

This was the other feeling that was sneaking behind in the back of her mind. She felt her chest constrict and she tried to maintain composure, maintain her strength, for her friends. As tears slowly returned, she thought about the opposing good and bad, and she realized that she had wanted to ask Angela when or if she would ever be able to separate the two.

Looking past Brennan, Cam caught Aida's innocent eyes as Daisy held her. With another hitch in her throat, Cam wondered if or when this hole in her heart would ever be filled.


	2. Twinge of Familiarity

**Author's Note:** I finally re-watched The "Hole In the Heart" for the first time in what must've been almost seven years and Vincent's death scene still leaves me so emotional and shaken; I so wasn't expecting that. :(

* * *

"Camille, come on, you gotta eat." Booth was trying to rally Cam to eat the grotesque hospital food, and she really wasn't having it. The food一like her general mood一was cold, odd, and offered no comfort.

"I'm fine, okay?" She could appreciate her friends' concern and kindness, but once the euphoria of birth had settled she began to feel the full weight of Vincent's absence through them and their reactions to Aida. Unfortunately, their niceties couldn't change any of those implications no matter how much they all wanted them to.

Booth tried to hold her eyes, hoping to get through to her somehow.

"Labor was just a lot harder than I thought it would be." She offered weakly, casting her eyes down. "But I'll be okay."

"Look, Bones was right when she said that no one is forcing you to feel happy about today." He held a hand to her face. "I know you wanna be tough, but you don't have to pretend anymore." There was a plea behind his eyes, a hope that she could step away from her guardedness.

While she had shared so much with these people and loved them unconditionally, they were still people that made her feel guilty. Regardless of what they said, everyone around her made her feel obligated to feel happy just through their sheer presence. And of course Vincent would've wanted her to be happy too, Cam thought as she looked down at her engagement ring. Was she even allowed to call it that anymore? It no longer represented the hope than an engagement carried.

"I-I appreciate it, Seeley, but Vincent would've," She had to stop herself to breath. "He wouldn't have wanted me to be upset."

Hodgins was just behind Booth, attempting to maintain his own emotions as well. Of course he could relate to her grief, but he also knew that it was difference; it was a difference that he knew that none of them could really bridge even if they tried.

"Cam, I know what you need." Hodgins turned around and pulled his laptop out of his bag and placed it on Cam's bedside table, pushing aside the pudding cup and cold casserole.

"Someone get Aida." He said as he clacked the keys which struck a distracting cord of suspicion within her. "Mrs. Nigel-Murray, can you see me?" He asked into the webcam.

The breath was knocked out of her when she heard Hodgins, and she was too stunned to mount a protest or question. Her chest felt light, but heavy all at once when Sweets carefully placed small Aida in Cam's arms.

Hodgins turned the laptop around to face Cam.

"Hello dear!" A beaming, older couple greeted her on the screen.

"H-Hi," Cam said weakly as a dull pounding began in her head. The baby almost rolled out of her arms as she felt all of her limbs go limp. Aida wiggled around in her blanket in response to this.

Up until now, Cam had only spoken to Vincent's parents, Patricia and James, over the phone. It was a complicated relationship she has built with them over the past five months, but she knew they deserved to be involved. It was the least she could offer them.

Like Aida, however, they didn't seem completely real. She had talked to them about how the baby was going, sent them ultrasounds, and even sent the occasional bump picture which was mostly motivated by Michelle's pleading. But seeing them now, poised on their living room couch felt like too much to process.

Patricia was small, had a round, caring face, short, dark brown hair, and the trademark brilliant blue eyes. James had comforting hazel eyes, round glasses, thinning hair, and a gracious smile. Their appearance should've been a comfort, though it only increased an intensity in Cam's heart.

All three of them were taken aback as they looked at each other in sheer stupefaction for a moment, but gradually the baby's presence trumped that sense.

"Oh, Camille! You look positively radiant." James remarked with a hand to his heart. "And the baby! Is it a boy or a girl?" Patricia squeezed his hand in glee.

"A-a girl!" Cam forced her muscles into another smile as a point of her charade. Holding her closer now, she took in Aida's delicate features and soft, blinking eyes like she was searching for some kind of thread or connection in her baby's face. "Her name is Aida." She tried to adjust her arms so as to hold Aida better, but every position felt awkward.

"S-she's so," Patricia's hand went to her mouth as a whimper escaped it. James' face also betrayed a similar solemn emotion which only caused Cam's defenses to mount. Her tightening expression pulled away the smile and replaced it with another frown and furrowed brows. "She looks so much like Vincent as a baby." Patricia finished breathlessly.

As the she gradually fell into a sob, he pulled her into his arms in an attempt to soothe her. Her heaves and crying struck Cam not just for their sadness, but for their familiarity. Few things about this moment were different from when she called to inform them of Vincent's death, come to think of it.

"Come now, Patty, this is a hopeful day." He brushed a tear of his own out of his eye. "This baby wouldn't want us to be sad; Vincent wouldn't want that either." He kissed his wife's temple.

Patricia nodded and pulled away from him, though Cam could sense a familiar twinge of hesitation that she felt in herself. She tried to distract herself from the raw emotion by adjusting the purple, knit cap on Aida's head.

"How are you feeling?" James asked tentatively.

"O-oh, I'm doing great," The lie only made her muscles and throat tighten more. She hoped that the webcam couldn't capture her reddening eyes.

Both of their faces constricted in concern, though neither desired to push her more than she already had been. "W-welll, we both hope that you and Aida can come see us sometime, or we could come to you as well." Patricia began, sniffling and wiping away a tear from her round cheek. "I think that would be good for everyone, don't you think?" She heartily patted James' arm.

"Absolutely, it would be great for you to see where Vincent grew up, for Aida to meet some of the family." He placed his hand over her's. "His sister, Lydia, wanted to talk to you when we found out you were going into labor, but…" He trailed off as they shared a worried glance.

Cam's knowledge about Lydia had been placed together from various bits here and there from Vincent and his parents. All she really knew was that Lydia was younger, studying law, still living in the U.K, and was quite stern compared to her brother. Whenever her parents discussed her, some hesitation and resentment on her side was discernible. On what many causes, though, Cam couldn't be sure.

"S-she's just very busy and, well, the situation is not ideal for anyone…" Patricia offered as she nervously looked from James to Cam.

Cam slowly nodded at the acknowledgement of yet another person she felt obligated to please and to ultimately disappoint, yet another theoretical issue now made real.

Suddenly, Aida started fussing which threw Cam out of her lapse of consciousness. "I-It's okay, sweetie." Cam pleaded while lightly bouncing her, desperately as she felt her frustration and exhaustion building with every cry.

"Oh no, did we upset her?" Patricia asked James worriedly.

"No, I think everything's fine." Cam offered, though it came off as more of a question than statement. Crying intensifying, Cam's uncertainty and panic was reflected on her friends' faces.

"Maybe we should let you go, but we will call you tomorrow." James tried to hold her eyes as some final attempt at connection, but the heartfelt reach fell flat on Cam's distracted and scrambled brain. "Just...take care of yourself; please."

"T-thank you," Cam offered haphazardly, though it was drowned out by Aida's crying. Putting away the laptop, Hodgins analyzed Aida like she was a complex organism.

"O-okay, um, i think she might need a diaper change o-or," He stuttered as he ran his fingers through his hair, full of agitation. He was basically just as clueless and flustered as Cam.

Booth tried dangling the heart plush in front of Aida while Brennan gamely put on her dancing phalanges routine to no avail and it only managed to increase the panic building in Cam's throat. Again, their friendly attempts were only making her feel worse.

"I think someone is hungry!" Eric, the nurse, burst through the door with his unwavering enthusiasm that Cam had truly begun to resent. "Are you ready?"

"Oh, geez." Cam felt the growing dread of the allusive breastfeeding with a lurch in her stomach. Given her relatively passive attitude to pregnancy and subsequent motherhood, she only had gathered bits and pieces of these sorts of things through Angela.

"Um, m-maybe we should go, Dr. Saroyan." Sweets awkwardly grabbed Daisy shoulders and tried to lead her towards the door.

"I'm with you Sweets, maybe let's just give her some privacy…" Booth coughed.

"Lance!" Daisy spun around out of his light grasp. "If I am to start a family with you, I would be remiss if you weren't mature enough to handle the idea of breastfeeding!" Brennan shot Booth a similar disappointed look.

"No no no," Cam held up a hand, still trying to wrangle the screaming baby. "I'm really fine with figuring this out on my own."

They all shared looks of hesitation at they registered Cam's uneasiness, but like Vincent's parents they didn't desire to push her further . Angela reached out a hand to Aida's soft head and leaned down to kiss it, subduing the baby's screaming to a softer cry. "We'll call you about the case later, okay? But just," She looked up at Cam with a tight smile. "Try your best to think about the good."

The rest of the group shuffled out of the room with a cluster of conflicting emotions while Eric pulled up a chair to Cam's bedside. With the back of her hand, she wiped away a small tear that had managed to escape her eye during Aida's fit. "I-I just don't know what I'm doing."

"It's alright! I'm sure that the three of us can figure out anything!" He smiled brightly at like there wasn't a fitful baby in the room.

Cam hesitantly undid the top of her hospital gown and attempted to nudge Aida's head to her chest, though the motion only jostled up her crying once again.

Noticing a sigh of frustration from Cam, Eric intervened. "Not all babies take to breastfeeding naturally; try and guide her just a bit more!" He cheered.

Her desperate, frustrated eyes met his excited ones. In a rush, she realized why Eric's enthusiasm bugged her so. It wasn't because of it's contrast to her damp mood; it was in fact that crushing familiarity that she had been awash in all day.

The last time she had witnessed such a level of excitement had been when Vincent was passionately explaining his dinosaur versus homosapien presentation to her, but she had been too distracted by her suspicions about her being pregnant to fully engage with him. It was one of many regrets from that day.

Brows furrowed with a sense of helplessness, she tried to coax Aida to latch onto her breast through her crying. Aida's face only became pinched and her body wriggled more as she forcefully turned away from Cam.

"She's n-not latching; I'm so awful at this." The anxious feelings were revving up again, and it was evident in Cam's voice and labored breathing.

"No, don't say that. You're doing so well. " His voice was softer now. "Dr. Amber told me about how your hus-, how Aida's-" He cast his eyes away as he was unsure about the best phrasing. "I'm sure if he could be here, he'd be really proud of both of you."

Cam looked back at him with a pained expression, but it grew more serious. "Can you just please take her?" She fastened her gown and attempted to hand over the equally frustrated baby,

"A-Are you sure?" Eric slowly took Aida from Cam.

"Cam?" Michelle was at the doorway with her own brand of trepidation. "I'm sorry I wasn't able to come back earlier; I just couldn't miss class." She gave a worried look to Eric as he held her baby sister.

"What's the matter?" She asked feverishly when she sat down by Cam, noticing her upset expression. Not desiring to interfere or upset more than he already had, Eric quickly left with Aida.

"Oh, Michelle," Cam croaked while the tears were mounting and began to appear in Michelle's eyes as well. She tightly took her daughter's hand. Even though their relationship had never been easy Cam knew that unlike her friends, her and Michelle did share in this brand of grief. Michelle could absolutely understand the hope brought by death, given the death of Michelle's father reunited them in the first place. She was her mother, but she also didn't feel like she had to put up a front.

"I know that I don't have to be jumping for joy or anything, but Vincent would've wanted me to be happy, and I don't feel _anything_ for her."

Michelle's own face fell as she took in her mother's sadness, feeling a tug in her own heart. "I-I thought you were excited about the baby. I know that it was tough, but she was something to be excited about, past everything else." She offered with a sniffle. Her mother's pregnancy had come as a shock to Michelle, both because of her mother's typically cautious nature and because she had only seen Vincent once or twice through chance encounters in the lab. But she could discern how much he had meant to her mother, and how much regret she had about their relationship.

"I know but, maybe I just felt like that was what I was suppose to feel. If everyone else was pining for her, then I had to be. But now that she's here I," she swallowed hard. "It's like I'm back to that day..."

Cam's lower lip quivered, tears dampened her cheeks, and her eyes became puffy and red as she felt the full wave of familiarity. "I can't even look at her. I look into her eyes a-and all I can think about is feeling his heart stop while he begged to stay alive, begged to stay with me."


	3. Sweet Weirdo

**Author's Note:** Meta-AU chapter; since the fit itself is already "AU" these chapters are simply what would've happened if Vincent hadn't died so not a part of the "normal" or "main" storyline, just a fun lil thing to break from the hard hitting stuff. I've been busy with final exams for summer school so I've been delayed in writing, but I hope this gives you some warm fuzzies. :)

I was reading Vincent's page on the Bones wikia, and in the notes section someone said that it was suggested that he had a crush on Cam and I _nearly_ cried; I was not alone omg. I think his crush on her was definitely canon, but she felt too proud to reciprocate it. (And the guilt and regret from his death prompted her to seriously fall in love with Arastoo okay thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.)

* * *

 _"D-Did you know that at birth dalmations are always white?!" Vincent sputtered with a look of pure panic and agitation. Cam's water breaking in the lab had been nerve-racking enough, but it seemed quite boring now that the whole bloody, painful show was starting._

 _"Okay, I love you and all but this is so not the time一" Cam's sharp response was interrupted with a scream as another painful contraction broke. She was squeezing his hand so tightly that it quickly shut him up._

 _"You're going to have to start pushing, okay?" Dr. Amber said from the foot of the bed. "This is happening—fast."_

 _Vincent could feel his legs turn to jello and his heart thumped harder against his chest at this. This miracle that they had been reveling in for so many months was now creating a pure, physical, worldly pain and presence. How could he wrap his head about that?_

 _"O-oh?" Cam felt the same whirl of nerves too, but it was quickly pushed aside by her raw physical agony and exhaustion._

 _"A-Already?" He asked in a high pitch while feeling a nervous sweat coming on._

 _"Stop freaking out, Vincent!" Michelle bellowed from Cam's otherside. "You put her here in the first place!"_

 _"I'm sorry! Oh my gosh, honey, I'm so sorry." He stammered to Cam apologetically, as if she hadn't been just as active of a participant in their poor decision making._

 _"Do you need to sit down?" Eric asked Vincent, noticing his pale face, over Cam's screams._

 _Cam let go of Vincent's hand and more forcefully grabbed his upper arm. "There is no way that you're going to be sitting down while this baby rips me in half." She said through gritted teeth. Fate really stuck her with one of the least sturdy labor partners imaginable, regardless of if she loved him and all that stuff. Her face became pinched as she felt another wave break._

 _"C'mon, Cam, push!" Brennan said, face full of intensity as she stood next to Michelle. Brennan was taking the whole situation with as much stamina and vigor as if it had been her own birth._

 _"Angela! Why didn't you tell me it would be this bad?!" Cam said with building agony while Vincent went into another jumbled, apologetic spell._

 _"Oh, honey, there's really just nothing to compare it to." Angela offered with a wince as she held onto one of Cam's knees._

 _Cam looked upward as she tried to push. "Oh my god, why on earth did I let you make me think this was a good idea, Vincent?!" Succumbing to the girting momentum, there was no use in clinging to her pride and composure at this point. Cam gave way to the contractions while her thinking became scrambled. Though it didn't hold her primary focus, she did share Vincent's amazement and fear at the swarming reality of the situation._

 _It was all very weird. One sits with this idea of a person and are forced to suffer through a myriad of annoyances. The changing wardrobe, the awful hormones, the constant aches, and the general dishelvement were very irritating to Cam's preference of order and control. But then there were those days where one did really consider the personhood of the jumble of cells, growing down deep._

 _It was these days where she and Vincent would ashew professionalism and look at the baby under the ultrasound in the lab. While he attempted to serenade the baby with Lime in the Coconut, she would allow herself a moment to consider how objectively lovely and sweet this time with him and this developing person was._

 _She would also occasionally catch him and Hodgins gushing about imaginative scenarios where their kids would do science experiments together, or they'd return from their lunch breaks with toys they'd impulsively bought for their babies, both born and unborn. As nervous as Vincent could get, he clearly did care about this accidental, budding life as much as she did._

 _On Cam's other side, Booth gave Vincent a tight slap on the back. "Vincent, buddy, she really needs you right now."_

 _Mouth twitching, Vincent stiffly nodded. With a shallow intake of breath, he tried to focus his well of emotions. Maybe he wasn't the most adept at major stressors like this and maybe he wasn't completely ready for a baby just yet, but what did know was his sheer depth of feelings for Cam. He leaned in closer to her, attempting to lock down into each painful contraction._

 _"Camille!" He gave her an intense look with a tight squeeze of her hand. He was determined to absorb her immense agony as much as he could, if not in actuality then at least through his emotions._

 _She turned to him with a look of helplessness, face sweaty, and muscles strained._

 _"I just feel," his eyebrows joined as he tried to sift through his compounding, intense emotions. "Like my bloody heart is about to burst b-because you're so lovely right now a-and I know you can do this!"_

 _"R-really?" She asked a bit breathlessly. Her previous painful rage had been hampered by his sincerity._

 _He hadn't been lying just for her sake. Though sweaty and on the brink of sheer exhaustion at this point, there was something magical about what was laying past her strain and their shared exhilaration._

 _"Yes! And-and we made this perfect, little baby!" He exclaimed. He was probably exerting so much stamina that he was going to pass out as well. "O-Oh, I just love you so much right now." He raised a hand to gently hold her face and look deeply into her still beautiful brown eyes._

 _She gave a strained, though sincere smile; maybe she had been stuck with a reliable partner after all. "I love you too...you sweet, sweet weirdo."_

 _"I can see the head!" Eric encouraged followed by an shrill squeal from Angela._

 _"Oh my gosh, Cam, the baby has hair!" She excitedly squeezed Hodgins' arm._

 _"H-Hair?!" Vincent mumbled as if it was the most terrifying yet amazing thing he had ever heard._

 _Sitting up straighter, Cam beared down on the pain again, trying to push her muscles through the retching pressure while Michelle rubbed her back._

 _"One more big one; you can do it!" Michelle cheered with an equally breathless look on her face._

 _Vincent leaned in closer again, now holding her hand within his and eyes full of pure emotion. Past all of the heat and activity of this delivery room on this strange day, she could really sense the seriousness of his feelings. Every bumbling interaction they had at the lab, every date, every kiss, every longing moment between them had all come to this._

 _With her eyes watering, she gave him a similarly exhaustive and intense look as if trying to pull her into her distress. "Honey-!" She gave another stiff push which brought on another scream._

 _In a moment, brief and beautiful, the world opened up wide._

 _"It's a girl!" Dr. Amber said with a bright smile while wrangling the small, wriggling purple baby._

 _Cam wasn't sure who started crying first, the baby or Vincent._

 _"O-Oh my gosh," A whimper escaped his throat as he tightly squeezed her hand again, tears beginning to well in his blue eyes. The baby was small, yet she managed to hold more purpose and emotion than anything Cam or Vincent had ever encountered. He shared a fevered, but thrilled look with her._

 _"We have a girl..!" She said to him, completely out of breath though still able to harness a glowing smile. Now both of their hearts felt like they were about to burst as they marveled at each other and at the little human, waving her tiny fists and crying her cry._

 _Cam allowed herself to collapse into the mass of her pillow, now holding Vincent's hand over her heart as it beat at an intense pace._

 _Once Eric weighed and swaddled the baby and placed her in Cam's arms, she could now feel the bubbling of her own emotions with their friends waiting in the wings, faces sharing in the full splendor of the moment._

 _Just as quickly as the world around them had opened, it reduced to just the three of them; Vincent, Cam, and this baby locked into a kind of atmosphere of pure bliss and emotion. He rested his chin on her shoulder while he gently touched the baby's head, covered with a small purple cap._

 _"Oh no, Vincent, don't cry." Cam considered his tears with a look of sympathy as she lightly bounced the baby._

 _"I-I can't help it." He said with a smile. Every detail on the baby's face tugged at him in a deeply emotive way. She was their's and it was undeniable in her lightly tanned skin, narrow chin, soft nose, and bright blue eyes. No trace of uncertainty; no perhaps, maybe, or possibly, but absolutely their's._

* * *

 _Once the hysteria died down, Vincent and Cam were left to soak in the glow of their baby and all of the whirring emotions and possibilities that came with her. Past all of the excruciating pain and emotional exhilaration, there was such a sense of peace in the small delivery room._

 _"Oh, can we please bring her to the lab sometime?" Vincent pleaded from his position next to Cam on the hospital bed, arms wrapped around her. "We'll be the ultimate crime-fighting team."_

 _"Absolutely not." Cam replied with a laugh. "If Michael can't visit, then neither can she. I may be a mother to a newborn, but I still have to at least try to be the boss."_

 _"But Camille, she's so precious. I don't think I can ever stand to be away from her."_

 _"No, I get that." She sighed, savoring so many parts of this moment. The warm breeze traveling through the open window, his comforting arms around her, and simply watching the baby breathe was all so perfect that it made her heart ache. "Fine, I'll consider it." She looked over her shoulder to smile at him._

 _He kissed her temple, feeling the warmth of the moment as well. "I just can't believe she's really here. What on earth are we going to do about a name?"_

 _"I think I would like Hany to be her middle name." Cam propped herself on her elbow to reach over and caress the baby's soft stomach. "But Michelle likes the name Aida for a first name. It's no Staccato-Vincent, but it's a really sweet name "_

 _Vincent's face lit up with his trademark zing of recognition. "Fun fact: the name Aida, tracing its origins to Arabic and Italian, means 'happy.' Since I'm about to practically burst in happiness, I think it's extremely fitting." He reached over, placing his hand on top of Cam's._

 _"Yeah," She said softly. "We didn't too bad, did we, Vinodelectable?" She smirked at him._

 _"Well, it was a bumpy road indeed, but we made it." He caressed her soft hand, admiring the glint of her engagement ring and the similar glint in Aida's big, gentle eyes. "It's all so bizarre; I already love her so much." He said into her neck._

 _"Me too."_


	4. Shortcomings

Author's Note: Back to normal storyline, by the way. And sorry for the delay in updating; I've been having some writer's block lately and I really want to make these chapters as good as possible before publishing! This story is still super close to my heart. Enjoy!

* * *

 _Just apply pressure to his chest. It'll be fine. It has to be fine. This kind of thing doesn't actually happen to us, to me._

 _He has a person he's not allowed to leave, a little person. Our little person._

 _He has to know. This baby needs him. I need him._

 _"You can't leave, Vincent, b-because you're going to be a father."_

 _"I-I love our baby, and I love you too. I don't-don't want to leave you."_

Cam's eyes fluttered opened, eyelashes clinging with tears while her hazy mind pondered her latest dream. It was the most familiar, most crushing recount of when she, Brennan, and Booth had tried to save Vincent. Everytime she would relieve the strain of holding his life in their hands, and then having to watch it fade away. All of the withholding actions she was hiding behind that day had come back to crush her, leaving her pregnant, heartbroken, and alone.

Sometimes, Cam's brain would conjure up scenarios of things happening diffrerently: if she had the strength to tell him she was pregnant, what his reaction would've been, how he would've proposed to her, what their wedding could've been like, or how he would've felt on Aida's fateful birthday. The series of hypotheticals only managed to push her to complete emotional and physical strain, rehashing the intense fear, regret, and sorrow that defined that day.

The whole thing hadn't felt fair or right, but she of course was aware that the world didn't operate in that way. It would take whatever it felt like, regardless of the circumstances. She had dealt with these tragedies hundreds of times at work, but each time they had been removed from her either through time or personal distance.

These various thoughts and nightmares had plagued her when she had been pregnant, but they were much more intense and vivid now due to her freshened grief and lack of sleep. Nowadays, all her body really had the energy for was sleeping. Physically, it certainly needed the rest, but mentally she longed to be removed from the feelings of her numb heart. When not sleeping, she was also desperate for the distractions of work. Away from home, her mind would become easily cluttered by their caseload and would be too stuffed to consider her shortcomings as a mother to a newborn. But of course, having a two-month-old baby certainly complicated both of those desires.

Sitting up with the fresh ache in her chest, Cam tried to mentally calculate how many hours of sleep she had managed, but she couldn't really be certain since she woke up so many times a night. As Angela forebode, Aida would usually wake up several times a night with Cam and Michelle taking turns on who would attempt to soothe her. Cam, however, always ended up being the most inept at doing so.

With perfect timing, Cam heard the familiar sound of Aida fussing from the nursery which woke Michelle in the process.

Michelle, who had been sleeping next to Cam, groggily sat up and rubbed her eyes. Even though there was a daybed in Aida's nursery for Michelle to sleep on, she had grown more accustomed to sleeping in Cam's bed over these past few months. When she started, she told her mother that it was simply for convenience-sake and that the daybed was uncomfortable, but Cam could suspect that it was more than that.

"Don't worry, Michelle, I'll get her." Cam offered, placing a gentle hand on Michelle's shoulder. Cam ventured out into the hallway and wearily entered the nursery. Though it used to be Michelle's old room, she had excitedly offered to give it to Aida. She painted it a soft lavender color, and had also picked out all of the furniture-save for the odds and ends Cam had saved from Vincent's apartment. Cam was very grateful that Michelle had stepped up to decorate since Cam surely didn't have the wherewithal to do so. Though, she had managed to curate the most important detail of the room which was the space above Aida's crib.

Reaching down for the fussing baby, Cam nearly lost herself in the display as she had done so quite often. In a neat frame, there was Vincent's marriage proposal that he had hurriedly scribbled on a piece of notebook paper; an attempt to organize his thoughts of what he was going to say when he proposed to Cam. It had been found in his pocket along with the engagement ring during his autopsy. There was his picture from his file with his proud, beaming smile that she had pocketed the night he died. Last but not least, there hung the only picture she had of the two of them together. It had been taken on a Founding Father's date where Vincent had drunkenly asked the bartender to take it. He kissed her cheek, holding her hand, while she smiled brightly underneath the glow of the bar lights. That carefree period of her life felt so distant now.

Thrown back into reality, she lightly rocked and burped Aida, but the intense crying persisted. She held her, arms outstretched in frustration, as if Aida was a suspect that Cam was trying to interrogate. "I just don't know what you want from me!" She said with a frustrated, hopeless tone that she had most certainly used hundreds of times. Babies were frustrating by nature, but Aida's temperament seemed to surpass normalcy. It was almost as if she knew what a tense, bitter world she had been born into.

Unfortunately, this dynamic between Cam and her daughter hadn't changed since her birth. Dr. Amber assured her that once she had Aida at home and out of the sterile ethos of the hospital, things were bound to improve. Of course it hadn't; it wasn't just Aida's strong resemblance to Vincent, but of all of the expectations she brought that Cam couldn't meet. Cam knew she had to be the strong, affectionate mother, but she couldn't even be strong for herself. She couldn't bear everyone else knowing the true extent of her weakness and lack of love for her baby, though. Her brave demeanor was the last thing she had that she could actually control.

With Aida's head resting on Cam's shoulder, she went into the kitchen to retrieve a bottle of milk from the fridge. As Cam poured out the milk into a saucepan on the stove, Michelle came out of Cam's bedroom.

"Are you sure you don't want to try breastfeeding again? I feel like we shouldn't be giving up so easily." She asked, tentatively, while sitting down at the kitchen island.

Cam tried to contain the look of exasperation off of her face while still trying to bounce Aida on her shoulder. "Trying for a whole month isn't giving up easily, Michelle, and pumping works fine."

Michelle gave a tight sigh. She could understand her mother's pain and she wanted to be considerate of it, but the dynamic was getting depressing.

Cam was responsible and mature, or at least had been, but with Aida's birth it had been replaced by a more damaged sense of self. The weight gain, pains, and hormones had been difficult, but the compounding guilt, grief, and general exhaustion was a more complicated aspect to deal with. Typically, Michelle who was full of pure love for baby sister would be left to pick up the pieces.

"Shouldn't it just be, like, in their nature though? I just feel like it would be really good for you guys if she was able to do, you know bonding-wise…"

Cam's eyes rolled upwards at this, as if she hadn't heard this talk before through several doctors and books. "The bottles work just fine, and that's all I'm going to say about." She tried to focus her attention on the warming milk, trying to divert her emotions away from yet another failure of motherhood.

Sensing the coldness in the air, Michelle stood up. "You sit down; I've got it." She turned off the stove and poured the milk in the bottle. Taking Aida in her arms, she absently realized that most girls her age were not as skilled or knowledgeable about all the chaos of postnatal hood as she had become. They were off at college having fun, not watching your mother mope around while you burp and bottle feed an infant night after night. She would have bitter periods where she resented having to do so much beyond her years, but she was not the only one dealt unfair sacrifices in this scenario.

"Any plans today?" Michelle asked, hopeful, as Cam sat down at the island.

"Brennan and Angela wanted to take me out to breakfast at the diner, actually." Cam responded with a tone of deflation.

"That's great!"

Cam nodded tightly while keeping her eyes away from Michelle. "It's just...tricky. I hate keeping up the charade."

As Aida quited, Michelle's expression grew somber. "Cam, you know you don't have to keep anything up. They're your friends; they don't want to see you beating yourself up like this. I don't want to see you beat yourself up like this."

Cam rested her face in her hands in frustration. "It's not that simple." She took a sharp intake of breath. "I'm not going to go out of my way to make them feel sorry for me. I know that they were really sympathetic after my delivery and all, but it was just too much on top of everything else. After what I did to Vincent, I'm not really sure I deserve it anyway."

"Deserve it? What on earth do you mean?" Michelle's voice was rising and it shocked both of them.

"Look, I'm tired of discussing this. I did the grief counseling before Aida was born like Sweets asked, and I'm done talking about it." Cam's voice was rising too, but in more frustration. Of course these feelings of contrition made her upset, but talking about it certainly didn't alleviate them.

"If you're saying that you deserved this happening to you, then clearly you do need to discuss it." Michelle retorted. Most of the time, she would retreat at this point in the argument considering how delicate it all was, but she felt like she had reached her breaking point. "Just because you didn't tell him about the baby sooner doesn't mean that you deserve any of this." She pressed.

Cam wasn't one to buy into the whole karma thing, but in this case it seemed to make sense to her. She didn't fully give herself to Vincent, and now this baby wouldn't give herself to Cam. "It's just not supposed to be this hard, Michelle!" Her voice was breaking now, and it threw all three of them. "And no matter how hard they try they're never going to understand that."

Michelle turned to Aida, bundled in her arms. Her previously clinched face had softened, allowing one to admire her captivating features. "I want you to at least take Aida with you to breakfast."

"Michelle, no-"

"Just do this for me, please? The two of us staying inside almost all day, everyday is depressing enough, but how do you think she feels?" Michelle almost added if she ever thought about how Aida ever felt, but she held back the comment.

Cam looked into Michelle's eyes, sensing the urgency and pleading. Her own fatigue and anxiety was evident in her daughter's face. Her drained emotions were clearly pulling other people down, but could a note of "get well soon" encouragement really did that deep? Could anyone or anything?


	5. Peel Off a Brave Smile

**Author's Note: Just to avoid any confusion, Cam is supposed to have given birth around 7x04 (even though I made up a case for that chapter in the first Sweet Wine to Vinegar), so this takes place around 7x05 or 7x06. It's kinda vague since we don't really know how time flows between the episodes. Anyway, enjoy! Reviews are appreciated! ^^**

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Michelle finally managed to get Cam situated with Aida and her stroller, though with an palpable sense of resistance on Cam's part. The elaborate piece of machinery had been a joint present from Brennan and Angela, and its intricacies had left Cam daunted from the day she had unwrapped it. But like most things, she felt forced to stifle her insecurities in order to embrace it.

Venturing outside of the apartment did feel strange. The feeling of maneuvering along the sidewalk-stroller and diaper bag in tow-was foreign and even a bit absurd to her. Cam was still getting used to the matronly image that her friends seemed to adapt to it so effortless.

Every bump on the sidewalk jostled the stroller and Cam's nerves. With a soft curse under her breath, she attempted to stabilize it but it was made considerably tricky by her three-inch heels. She had worn them nearly everyday in the lab-even while she was pregnant-but she had been severely out of practice as they didn't quite match the sweatpants and knit sweaters that she had grown accustomed to wearing at home.

She still had tried to look nice. It was a part of the whole brave front, maybe, as her looks were such a major aspect of her authority at work. Even though she still didn't fit into all of her old clothes, she had opted for a similarly styled white and blue dress from the earlier days in her pregnancy. It wasn't what her weak spirit wanted to wear, though she hoped it would maintain appearances for Brennan and Angela no matter how fake it all felt.

Briefly, Cam glanced down at Aida who had somehow managed to be lulled into a slumber; who knew street traffic and a bumpy stroller could do just the trick? Her peaceful face, binky rising up and down with her breathing was serene and almost incredibly perfect, but was still not enough to break through Cam's listless haze.

Cramming the impressive stroller through the entrance to the diner gave Cam that gnawing, familiar feeling of her numerous parental shortcomings. She could feel the accusatory glares from the diner patrons.

"Cam! Let me help you." Brennan rushed from their usual table with Angela close behind.

"Oh, no, I've got it; don't worry." Cam held up an acknowledging hand with a weak smile as she finally got the stroller through the door. She would feel bad to make Brennan handle the stroller considering she was nearly 8 months pregnant at this point.

"Ugh, I'm just so happy to see you out of the house, Cam." Angela hugged Cam before they settled at the table. "How are you feeling?"

"Well, y'know…" Cam deflected the question with another weak smile as she distractedly adjusted Aida's stroller to rest next to her chair across from Angela and Brennan. What she really felt was tired, frustrated, guilty, upset, and sad, but what good would come from depressing her friends with information like that? They would want to do something to help, and ultimately feel worse when they realized how little they could do. It was a cycle she was far too familiar with.

Brennan and Angela retreated, looking down at their menus and slowly nodding. This wasn't a comfortable line of questioning for them either. They were feeling similar bouts of guilt over not knowing how they could actually get past Cam's emotional guard since the day Aida had been born, or maybe even before that.

The collective grief was suppose to make them closer, yet it only seemed to have excluded Cam, leaving her stranded with her own brand of grief and pain. They didn't want to talk about it, though, regardless of Sweets' pleading. Vincent's death broke their hearts and disrupted nearly every comfortable aspect of their lives, was there really more to say? And how could they talk about it without re-hashing their sullen emotions?

Brennan cleared her throat. "How about a round of decaf coffees?" She asked gleefully, attempting to rouse Cam's mood.

"Oh, that would be great!" Angela replied, training an expectant smile on Cam.

"Sure." Cam felt like she had to consciously pull her muscles into a smile to appease the exaltation of decaf coffee.

"How's Michael doing?" Cam asked once Angela had gamely placed their coffee order.

Angela was almost surprised at Cam's foray into light, friendly conversation. "O-Oh, he's just a precious angel. A crying, pooping, puking angel, but still precious nonetheless." She nudged Brennan with her elbow. "You'll see soon enough." She said in a sing-song tone.

"That is true; I'm very excited to finally meet my daughter." Brennan could barely keep the smile off of her face. "Cam, how did you decide on colors for your nursery? Booth wants pink, but I do not wish to force societal gender expectations on her at such an early stage in her cultural acclimation."

"Oh, um," Cam averted her eyes and focused instead on her coffee mug that had been placed on their table. "It's a light purple, but Michelle really took charge on decorating. I wasn't really...into the whole 'nesting' thing like you read about in the books."

The air around the threesome felt stiff and cold as another sour topic was unknowingly brought up once again. Cam tried to keep her expression light as she mindlessly stared at the coffee, chin in her palm.

"Do you know what you want to order?" Angela spoke up, desparate to diffuse the unfortunate subject.

"I don't know if I'll get anything; everything I eat makes me sick." Cam supplied casually, placing her menu at the end of the table.

"Can you still get morning sickness after giving birth?" Brennan asked with a curious, innocent tone.

"No," Cam cleared her throat. "It's not really like that, but I'm really okay, honestly." She didn't even know how to describe it to herself, let alone to Brennan. It wasn't a symptom of pregnancy, but of the constant constriction she felt in her chest. It was the same feeling that had drained her already deprived energy and replaced in with fevered guilt, remorse, and occasional bout of melancholy.

"Honey, just because you're not pregnant doesn't mean you don't have to have a good diet. You need the energy, and you need it to breastfeed too." Angela reached over to hold Cam's hand in comfort.

"Well," Cam glanced over at Aida, still snoozing in her stroller. "The baby refuses to breastfeed anyway. I swear, she hates me." She said the last part in an attempt to sound comical, but it's gutting truth only came across as cold.

"At Aida's stage in development, she has not developed the cognitive ability to have distinct emotions like that." Brennan added for her own intellect, and also for Cam's sake. Somehow, the comment did manage to alleviate the strange air.

"More bizarre things have happened." Cam responded, wanly.

After sufficient begging on the part of her friends, Cam caved and ordered the oatmeal while Angela and Brennan ordered the yogurt parfait and eggs benedict, respectively.

Angela wanted to keep the conversation light, but she was still very concerned for her friend. Cam's once strong personality and attitude had dwindled away before their very eyes. Though she was still trying to dress the same and eschewed any concerns about her well-being, it was all just a shell that tugged at Angela's heart. "Have you talked to Vincent parents recently?" She asked, her friendly concern defying social politeness.

Cam looked up from her mindless stirring of the bland oatmeal. "I-I mean, I try my best. They really want to come visit, but I'm really not sure if I'm going to have the time with work, the baby, and all." She quietly hoped that would be enough for her friends. The truth was that was trying her best to avoid Vincent's parents. Logically, they were feeling as upset as she was since they were trying to live through the same, momentous loss. Still, whenever they called asking about visiting or sending pictures Cam would grow uncharacteristically nervous and even panicked; she'd only manage to mutter some comforting words to them through gritted teeth and growing nerves. They only served as another reflection for her guilt.

"Oh, honey, they're grandparents. They'll happily take Aida off of your hands." Angela offered, but Cam just gave another weak smile in response.

Forks scraped against plates in their silence while Cam simply stared at her oatmeal, occasionally rocking Aida's stroller to keep her at bay. Brennan glanced up at Cam, her sullen expression apparent.

Like Angela, Brennan didn't know how to handle their collective grief; she didn't know how to handle grief period. She could relate to Cam's hurt more than Angela could, though. There was the aspect of losing someone meant to be so integral to your life, and not quite knowing how you were suppose to move on without them. Then there was the day Vincent had died. The two of them were kneeling over him, trying to keep pressure on his bullet wound and had to be pulled away by Booth once they had lost him. Hearing his final pleas to Cam and their baby, and having to see the life flicker from his eyes had been disturbing; it was an odd experience to share with each other.

Brennan's more emotional side had been opening up with this pregnancy as well; her consideration of life's precarious nature grew with it, and she had wanted to talk to Cam about these things. She longed for a time when her blunt nature could override social politeness, but Cam had been pregnant back then and it felt too much even for Brennan. Now, Cam's dismissive, sheltered attitude was blocking the conversation.

"Cam, I know we are all very concerned about tracking down Pelant right now, but you can talk to us." Brennan broke the silence. "We keep trying to tell you that you don't have to keep this brave face, but you just ignore us." The sincerity in her celery-green eyes nearly shocked Cam.

Cam sat up straighter with a baffled expression. "Where is this coming from?" She always took such stock in Brennan being unemotional, why was she deciding to change that just now?

"No one knows how to behave around you." Angela almost blurted out. "We feel awful pretending like everything is normal, but then we feel guilty seeing you keep up this brave face when you're still obviously upset."

Cam's throat constricted at the sudden turn in the conversation to the most raw, emotional issue. Maintaining a stunned expression, she tried to control her breathing. "Maybe the brave face is all I have left anymore."

"But Cam, while we may not have Vincent anymore, we still have each other." Brennan pleaded, noticing Cam's emotional unrest. "And you have Michelle, and Aida...you have to be there for them."

Cam averted her eyes as she felt upwelling of warm tears. "It doesn't matter how many looks of sympathy you give me; neither of you has any idea what this has been like for me. Becoming mothers was all so easy for you." It wasn't entirely true, and Cam knew this, but her pent up exhaustion and heartache wasn't leaving any room for conscious thought or back tracking.

Angela's breathing grew ragged and her muscles numb at this. She swallowed hard and maintained a strong glare at Cam. "That is so not true, Cam. I didn't even know if Michael was going to be able to see or not. I worried every single day about it, I could hardly sleep, and you know that." She was trying her best to maintain her composure, though it was nearly impossible as her heart rate and nerves grew more intense. Rationally, she knew that Cam was just upset, but the comment dug at Angela nonetheless.

"That ended for you. This-" Cam took a shallow breath. "Is never going to end for me."

"Ang, Cam, this isn't a contest-" Brennan supplied, trying to maintain the peace, but was quickly interrupted by Angela.

"You didn't even let Vincent tell us you were dating!" Angela interrupted as her cheeks were growing red as she became more upset. "You couldn't even tell him that you were pregnant! For god sake, Cam, Hodgins and I had to tell him! How would you have felt if he never found out? If he hadn't been able to buy you your engagement ring?" Her voice was cold, and the things she was saying were utterly cruel, but like Cam she had been pushed passed the point of conscious speaking.

"Do you honestly think I don't consider that?" The tears in Cam's eyes were out now, running down her cheeks, while the anger and raw emotion was building in her chest. "Everyday I have to stare at the biggest regret of my life, even though I'm suppose to love her over everyone else!"

"You couldn't bring yourself to love him, and you can't bring yourself to love this baby either!" Angela said with an uncharacteristic sneer as her own tears were mounting.

"But Vincent would not have wanted you to be so...upset and hiding it from your friends w-who love you." Brennan pressed. "I was there too, Cam! I-It's not just you!"

Eyes red and cheeks flushed, Cam stared blankly at the two of them. The tightness in her body grew, and even her thoughts became blank. With numb limbs, she managed to stand up while clumsily pushing in her chair and grabbing Aida's diaper bag. "Y-your babies all having loving fathers, and you'll get to move past all of this; I will never be able to have that."

Haphazardly, she pushed Aida's stroller out of the diner past the gaping patrons. Her chest felt so heavy that she wanted nothing more than to collapse on the sidewalk, but she tried to salvage some degree of energy to push past it.

Wiping away tears with one hand and controlling Aida's stroller with the other, Cam tried to gather her thoughts. She never had a fight like this with Angela or Brennan before. When she was pregnant, they had all avoided talking about the tough things. Cam wanted to live in some kind of ignorance while they felt too guilty about grilling her on these topics; now, they had begun to fester and gnaw at all of them. Still, that didn't make their sympathies any less frustrating or helpful, and it didn't change her longing for a time when she was braver and stronger than this leftover-Cam.

She was so consumed by her flurry of emotions that she didn't notice when the right wheel of the stroller caught onto the curb by the edge of the sidewalk, knocking the wheel off as she tried to go over it.

"Shit!" She cursed loudly as the people around her started shooting her worried and shocked looks. The sudden jolt of movement broke Aida's peaceful nap and caused her to erupt in her trademark ear-splitting cry. The scene was so chaotic it was too much for Cam's limited thinking to focus on one thing.

Wipe my face, no.

Calm the baby down, no.

Fix the stroller, no.

Why can't he be here?

"Miss, do you need some help?" Cam felt a hand on her shoulder. Quickly turning around, she saw that it belonged to a small, old woman. The tan, wrinkled skin on her face was constricted in clear concern, the emotion made more so by her sad eyes.

"Oh," Cam quickly wiped her face and cleared her throat. "I'm fine." She turned away from the woman, hoping to continue the front for anyone at this point. Having been broken from her trance, she detached the bassinet from the stroller and folded the legs, weakly carrying both to her car with Aida maintaining her crying.

Disheveled, crushed, and cheeks still stained with tears, Cam managed to load the busted stroller and Aida into the car. Once she sat behind the wheel, she felt the surge of emotions again. Through the wave of tears blurring her vision, she looked down at her engagement ring with a heavy heart.

She had been an awful girlfriend, and now she was an awful mother.


	6. Alone With Your Thoughts

**Author's Note: Just a minor note: if anyone has experienced panic attacks, read this chapter a bit tentatively. I totally understand what it's like, and I would hate to trigger an episode for someone. xx**

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With a chilling feeling, Cam couldn't help but recall the last time she had been sobbing in her car like this, and the reasoning between the two wasn't all that different. She had slept over at Vincent's apartment the night before he died, and that morning he had told her that he felt like he was falling in love with her. With her growing suspicions about her pregnancy and her hesitations about their relationship, she shamefully shuffled out of his apartment without giving him a substantial response all because she was scared. Her own complicated emotions forbade her acceptance of this new person that she was meant to love.

Looking through the rear-view mirror, Cam could see that Aida's crying had subsided to a light whimper, though her cheeks and eyes were still red.

 _Those_ eyes.

The pain in those familiar eyes brought a faster flash of memories; a series that was more abstract and powerful than those that crept into Cam's mind before.

The blue of Vincent's own eyes, their expressive, familiar manner. How they always managed to make her heart jump a bit. How she watched them fade with his dying heart.

The blue of the intimidating pregnancy test. How panicked she felt about it. How uncertain.

Without completely realizing it, she felt a mounting tension in her chest as these upsetting images continued to roll. Her breathing was quick and strained as her heartbeat was outpacing her struggling lungs.

The last time they had made love. How at peace she felt. How she would never experience that peace or genuine love again.

Her breathing was only becoming more labored as she failed to get enough air. More hot tears came as she desperately tried to focus, trying to take longer breaths while the weight on her chest grew.

The engagement ring- _her_ engagement ring-that Booth found with Vincent's proposal. How even though she had been so withholding, he was ready to marry her. How undeserving she felt of such a gesture.

Everyone was right.

She was a workaholic who was too strict to love a man willing to marry her and raise her baby. She didn't deserve him, or a happy life with her baby. Fate or karma was never something she completely believed in, but she did now.

The inability to relax her breathing only made her heart beat faster, demanding more oxygen than her lungs could muster through her quaking emotions.

Her vision was blurring, part tears and part her inability to focus. She felt like she was underwater at this point.

She had given him nothing, and now she had nothing.

Her heart was beating too fast, out of control, completely out of her control.

Like everything else, like her own pregnancy, her own emotions, her own baby.

The gasping breaths were crushing her chest and making her feel faint as her heart and head pounded. With every struggling exhale, she felt like her body was on the cusp of completely shutting down from exhaustion.

Suddenly, someone's car alarm down the street began to blare which threw Cam out of her cycle of panic. Gripping the steering wheel, she attempted to consciously walk herself through taking long, deep breaths. Her mind still felt chaotic and frazzled, but her heartbeat and breathing wasn't as ragged.

With another deep breath, she considered what she was going to do now. She should just go home, retreat with her broken stroller and spirit. But, no, Michelle would probably be home and would excitedly ask Cam about how brunch went.. Reliving the fight would only make Cam feel worse, even though Michelle only wanted to help out. Cam just felt stranded-both emotionally and physically-and reaching out to those who supposedly loved her clearly only seemed to make everything worse.

Briefly, she longed for a time when things weren't so complex and when her priorities simply began and ended with her orderly work. In that frame of mind, she would know exactly what to do and how to do it. But here, trying to raise her own child through this unimaginable strain, she felt like she knew nothing.

Desperate for that sense of order-vacant of the broken friendships and expectations-she drove to the lab. She may not have had any specific work to do-or frankly was suppose to be there at all-but she didn't know of any other surrounding that wouldn't further her anxieties.

Once they arrived, Cam took Aida out of her car seat and placed her back into the bassinet. As she walked in with purse in one hand and bassinet in the other she allowed herself to take in familiar comforts swarming around her. The click of her heels against the floor, the sterile, cold smell of the air, and the light pouring through the glass ceilings. Her apartment was quite sunny and airy itself, but it really didn't have the same quality and comfort anymore.

Cam heard Aida make a soft cooing noise, and for the first time she imagined what it would be like when Aida got older. She'd most certainly end up visiting the lab-though only when she was at a responsible age-and would be growing up here with Michael Vincent and Brennan and Booth's daughter. She'd go to daycare with them, maybe even kindergarten too. She'd become her own person, just like Michelle, with her own interests and passions which would be completely separate from her tragic arrival into the world. Though small and rare, it was a comforting and hopeful thought.

And then, she saw it.

Her previous sense peace began to crumble and flake when Vincent's memoriam plaque came into view.

It had been Hodgins' idea, and it had been finally put up when she had been pregnant and still somewhat hopeful. Now, seeing it for the first time since Aida was born almost felt like too much. Aida wouldn't really be able to separate her life from Vincent's death, Cam thought. It didn't work that way. She would have a wide array of questions, and her own set of heartbreak separate from Cam's. She would be a lot like Michelle in that way too. That thought caused another tightness in Cam's throat; truly no amount of hoping and or positive thinking could overwrite Vincent's death and how it was going to affect Aida's own life.

"I really wish you had let me add father on there." Cam turned to her left to see Hodgins lamenting over Vincent's plaque. Though caught off guard, she tried to stifle the suggestion of tears in her eyes. "No matter what you say, Cam, he's still a father. He's still here, just not in that way."

Cam slowly nodded, attempting to gather herself. "I know you wanted to, but I just didn't want to shove my tragedy in everyone's face, that's all." The denial also came from a sense of blissful ignorance on Cam's part that as soon as Aida was born, believing that the tragedy had never even struck.

"I get that, but don't you think Vincent would've wanted..." Hodgins stared upwards, trying to gather the right words. "you to let us in? It doesn't matter that you're the boss anymore; it would've killed him to know that you were having to do this by yourself.." He swallowed a hard lump in his throat when he realized his poor choice of words.

"I was meant to do this on my own, and I will." Cam averted her eyes from his. She took a tight breath. "Look, Hodgins, I just went through the same exact emotional bargaining with Angela; I'm not doing it here."

Hodgins could understand where she was coming from, but he stood his ground just the same. "Yeah, she told me. Maybe she said somethings that were unfair, but so did you. You're upset, but that doesn't mean you get to hurt everyone else like that. " His eyes narrowed in confusion, sorrow, and hurt.

It felt odd for Hodgins to be speaking to her in this veiled accusatory manner, but not unwarranted. Cam maintained her tight expression. "You can at least be able to understand that it's so different. It's not just that I miss being with him…"

"What, do you think we don't miss him?" His face was somewhat stunned. Of course he understood that their worries weren't a contest, but he could relate Cam's own anxieties to his own. He could understand that the uneasiness, frustration, and sense of loss didn't always end when it was suppose to.

She got a complicated look on her face; a mix between disbelief and hurt. "Of course not, Hodgins. It's like every time I see something that reminds me of him I'm plagued with this awful feeling. It's not just grief but like utter inadequacy in being a mother and in...not keeping him safe."

He looked down at his shoes with his hands protectively in the pockets of his lab coat. He tried to hide his own tears and the unstable emotions growing on his face. "Did I ever tell you why I hated Finn so much at first?"

Cam slowly shook her head.

"When I saw Finn, I just immediately saw Vincent in those goddamn hopeful eyes. It just freaked me out. They're different people, I know, but their vibes are so similar. These charming, hopeful, determined guys who want nothing more than to expand their knowledge and help us out. It almost felt like Vincent was back, somehow, but of course he wasn't." Cam could know see the tears building in Hodgins' eyes, though they stayed contained. "I had that shitty attitude with Finn because I guess I felt like if he left, we could have Vincent back. We'd get a do-over, we wouldn't let him die, we wouldn't fail at keeping him safe."

"I know you saw it too, Cam." Hodgins continued. "You fought to keep this kid at the lab no matter how much Carolyn berated you about his records because you saw what I saw. You wanted to keep this one safe this time."

She gently wiped a tear from her eye with her pinky. He was right, she had seen the familiarity in Finn, who couldn't? At the time, Carolyn reasoned that Cam's pregnancy hormones had made her soft, but it wasn't that at all. Cam didn't want another genuine, kind soul to be denied their opportunity in a place that they loved. It was probably the only instance where she felt like she was able to make a substantial correction to her numerous regrets.

Hodgins stepped in closer. "I know that you and Angela and Brennan are fighting right now, but what else can we do? Things aren't going to get better if you write everyone off and keep to yourself like this." He pressed.

She abruptly turned away from him; she wasn't ready to unload the extent of her difficulties and frustrations, not here. "Just saying that isn't going to change anything, it can't."

"You can try to let it."

Cam could see where her good friend was coming from, but he didn't know how deep her inadequacies laid.


	7. The Ending Still Will Never Change

**Gahh it's been so so long! College has been very busy, as expected, but I am so glad for everyone still sticking with this story! I still have a lot planned! Arastoo will *finally* appear in the next chapter and it will make me cry.**

* * *

Cam had found exactly what she planned to find at the lab: nothing.

" _You can try."_ Hodgins had said to Cam, mournfully. She could understand that it was coming from a place of comfort, but in a way it was just setting up another point of expectation; yet another way in which she could ultimately fall short.

Things just could not be that simple, that orderly.

It also didn't alleviate the sting of Angela's words and how much they confirmed Cam's own doubts. They were all just feeling emotional, yes, but couldn't Angela and Brennan understand her hurt? The constant draining feeling wasn't something she could just get over like it was nothing, but she also wasn't sure what _could_ actually make her feel more at ease. Every attempt just felt cruelly fruitless.

Her more innate, raw instincts made her simply want to hide away so as not to be forced into this emotional, vulnerable wedge with her friends, though her rigid side knew that simply wasn't possible.

As Cam got back into her car, bassinet in tow, her emotions felt like they were teetering and fevered again. What on earth was work going to be like? While she knew she had to try and adjust to normalcy, but her stamina felt so unimaginably low.

She loved her work, but clearly loving something and knowing its importance no longer carried the significance that it used to. It didn't matter how much she had spent on trying to look more presentable-more like her usual self-because it truly couldn't mask the inadequacies that her soul was bearing.

But she couldn't just stay at home, either. That would be difficult and draining in it's own way as she'd be completely unable to hide from the shortcomings of motherhood.

She took a deep breath. She couldn't consider that right now; she had to get through the day before letting herself panic even more about the future. For a second, though, she did ponder what Vincent would've wanted her to do, what he believed would make her feel most at peace. He had been involved with the impending idea of parenthood at one point; he had even been excited about it. But like everything else, she could never fully know.

Cam's fog of thought was again dispersed by a shrill cry from Aida. Yes, parenthood, that was it. Plenty of people found some kind of solace and purpose by embodying that. But, no matter how much conscious thought she put into it, the muscles in her brain rejected this. It rejected everything.

With a tense sigh of defeat, she made her way back to the apartment. Aida in one hand and the broken stroller dragging behind her, Cam opened the door to her apartment. She used to appreciate its qualities much more before this flattening of her energy. Before Aida, she had rarely been home due to how much she worked and she had been able to appreciate its comforts a lot more.

The white walls and contrasting warm, wood floors that used to feel eclectic now felt confining; the modern, grey kitchen felt almost nauseating since she couldn't really eat without getting sick ; the once prized, large windows let in so much light it nearly gave her a permanent migraine.

And, of course, the gray couch from Vincent's apartment had lost every ounce of its nostalgia and charm. Even though it had been only seven months since it had belonged to him, Cam could still smell his comforting smell seeped deep into the fabric. Though the scent brought a complicated wave of emotions, she could remember how she had curled up on it for almost a whole entire day after she brought Aida home from the hospital. That day, every part of her postpartum body was aching in pain, but his scent and the image it brought of the simper times they had shared put her more at ease than any medication could.

She had truly taken those days for granted. The intimate, sweet times where she and Vincent had been together on this very couch were blissful; the only worries plaguing her mind had been about how irritating it would be if anyone ever caught wind of their relationship. And, of course, she had taken his love for granted too.

Cam hesitantly opened the door, as if delaying the action would somehow magically remove the possibility of Michelle being home and the impending line of excitable questioning that she would bring.

"How did breakfast go?" Michelle asked hopefully, poised at the kitchen island as if she hadn't even moved from when Cam had left.

"It was…" Cam took stock of the broken stroller and heavy bassinet, trying to weigh what emotional catastrophe she was suppose to unravel first. She looked around despondently as if searching for some kind of distraction from the conversation. She hated to disappoint Michelle—yet again—but the emotional strain she felt in her limbs was clearly expressing itself on her face.

Noticing Cam's avoidance, Michelle could sense the hesitation. Her expression dropped and she swallowed hard as if bracing herself for another roll of dishevelment and grief.

Breakfast clearly hasn't fixed anything, no matter how much Michelle had hoped. Cam's friends could relate to her grief more than Michelle could since they had all known Vincent, but like every else, it failed to break Cam's fog. And what else could? How many times were they going to get lost in this cycle of drudgery?

"Breakfast went…" Cam tried keep her eyes turned away, but instead she let the broken stroller slip from her hand and she put the freed hand to her forehead in frustration."We got into a fight; Angela and Brennan said that I,"She carefully set Aida down and put her hands on her hips to try and collect herself further; she wanted to consciously stay strong for Michelle, but the biting truth was slipping out of her mouth.

"That I-I couldn't love Vincent, a-nd I couldn't love Aida either." She continued with a struggled breath, eyes feeling the trickle of tears.

Michelle watched as the emotion built in Cam's face, expressions of confusion and the knocking sense of depression. "Is that what you think?" She questioned, tentatively.

Cam wiped her watering eyes with the back of her hand, arms still firmly on her hips and eyes turned on Aida. "They might...have a point. I c-can't stay tethered to feeling that way anymore. I can't do it."

Michelle felt her own face tense with Cam's, the air around them going stiff. What else could she really say at this point that would matter? She could understand Cam's deep sadness since she had witnessed it nearly everyday since Aida's birth and even before that, but she could also perfectly relate to Angela and Dr. Brennan's points of frustration.

"Are you even trying?" Michelle asked, the question surprising both of them. She couldn't even look at Cam when she asked it; she just maintained her tense position at the kitchen island.

Cam felt a lump grow in her throat and her brain go fuzzy as she furrowed her brows at Michelle's question. "Trying? What are you talking about, Michelle?"

Unrest growing in her expression, Michelle took a shallow breath before facing Cam again. "Aida needs you so much right now," she began, her own eyes beginning to water. "And you can't even be strong enough for her."

"If I could, I-I would, Michelle." Cam replied with a sharp tone. "I take my responsibilities seriously but this-"

Michelle stood up, interrupting Cam's flimsy defense. "If you actually took your responsibilities seriously, you would do all you could to get better for Aida, for you, for all of us! You don't even remember what it was like when _my_ dad died, do you? Or do you even think about when my mom died?" Michelle could feel the tightness in her throat, a precursor to the unrest growing in her emotions.

"Of course I remember that! But grief is...complicated, Michelle."

"I don't care! You have no idea how Aida is," Michelle has to stop to breathe in order to keep up with her quaking heart. "How Aida is going to feel, but I do."

Cam's frustrated face softened. She had tried her best to avoid drawing parallels between Aida and Michelle, but it was ultimately unavoidable. Michelle had lost her own mother relatively young and did not have too many solid memories of her. And of course, she definitively felt the loss of her own father.

"She's going to have so many questions, ones that you won't be able to answer! She-she's going to just wonder all of the time; why the universe wanted to take her dad from her o-or what he was even like, m-maybe all of the things they would've done together if he had been able to...stay." Her tone was still hot, but was paired with streaks of tears. Cam attempted to come close to Michelle, to offer some kind of comfort, but Michelle jerked away.

"This isn't just about you anymore. Clearly, something isn't right. Something that's not going to be changed just by your believing that you're this kind of perfect, impervious person that's immune to real hurt!" Michelle continued, but the volume of the fight had triggered a fit of whaling in Aida.

"That is not true!" Cam tried shouting over the screaming. "I am doing my best here, alright? Maybe the baby didn't fix everything, but this is something that happened to me, and I'm dealing with it at well as I can!"

"Why can't you see what's going on? Cam, he's gone! He died! You're allowed to feel that!" She was being pushed to the brink now, not even wanting to bother with slowing down. "Sometimes, I'm so worried to leave you alone with her in case you get so depressed that you forget to feed her or something! You're supposed to be her mother, and my mother too."

"H-How dare you say that?!." Cam crossed her arms, trying to take back the authority in this conversation against her own uneasy emotions.

"You know I'm not wrong, Cam. You're h-hurt, but you can't take everyone down with you. Everyone who loves you, even if you don't realize it o-or don't know what you're doing." Michelle said with one final cut as she turned away, heading for the door.

You know what, maybe your friends were onto something. If you really loved me, your friends, a-and even Vincent, you would be doing better than this!" She haphazardly threw things into her purse. "I'm going for a walk." She slammed the door behind her, leaving Cam in the lurch.

Deflated, Cam let her weak body become pulled to the couch with Aida continuing her cries. Hands wrapped around her stomach, eyes sore, and gaze vacant, she felt the punch and sting of Michelle's words. But, like everyone else, she was not wrong.

Considering Michelle's hurt was the last thing she wanted to do, not because she didn't care but because she knew how it would make her feel. She wasn't just failing as a mother to Aida, but to Michelle as well.

One thing she admittedly hasn't considered was how Aida would feel. Cam had briefly imagined how Aida would grow up around the lab, but she dismissed the larger issue. How could Cam provide insight and comfort through her daughter's loss when she couldn't scrounge up the comfort for herself?

She knew exactly how she had reckoned with this before; she had ignored the whole concept of a pregnancy ultimately creating a baby which would ultimately create an actual person. She had imagined that Aida would somehow exist in the middle as only an idea of a person who didn't have to deal with this momentous loss.

When Cam thought about it, she wasn't treating anyone like an actual person anymore. Every fixture in her life, from Michelle to Vincent's parents, couldn't reach her anymore. They just acted as stern advertisements of her failures.

Letting herself fall deeper into the worn couch, closing her eyes to block out the hysterical crying, she let her mind drift and the sobs flow without composure.

He was gone, wasn't he?


	8. Future Atop the Past

_Buzz._

Cam wasn't sure what time she had fallen asleep, nor what time she was waking up. What she could see was the orange hues of the setting sun were refracting on the white living room walls, indicating that a significant amount of time had passed since her stroller meltdown.

 _Buzz._

Wiping her eyes and sitting up from the couch, Cam realized that the incessant noise that had woken her was the doorbell. Had Michelle come back? No, she had taken her keys with her, but what if someone bad had happened?

Standing up a bit too quickly, her head felt light as another sense of urgency shot through her head. _Oh god, Aida._

 _Buzz. Buzz._

Nearly tripling over herself, Cam rushed over to Aida, still in her bassinet by the door. Cam could see that her eyes were still watery from her fussing, but looked otherwise content as she was snuggled in her blankets. Still, Cam nervously scooped her up and checked for any major causes of concern. She was still breathing, her diaper was fine, she wasn't crying; all she was doing was staring right through Cam's being with her mystical blue eyes.

 _Buzz._

The ring of the doorbell threw her into another haphazard fit as she nearly flew to the door with another biting sense of concern. Was Michelle alright? Or maybe Brennan and Angela had come over to apologize for what happened at lunch?

As she threw open the door, her eyes went wide with surprise when she saw the mysterious guest.

"Mr. Vaziri?"

From the look on his face, Arastoo seemed just as shocked to see Cam as she was. It was probably due to Cam's relatively unkempt appearance which was currently a great departure from her usually poised look at work. From all of the stress crying, her make-up had been smudged with her hair slightly frazzled and clothes slightly wrinkled from the nap. Also, she had taken off her impressive heels which made her height fall slightly below his. The disheveled look was perfectly completed with balancing Aida on her hip.

"H-Hi, Dr. Saroyan, I'm sorry, but it this a bad time?" Arastoo asked tentatively, his brown eyes tinted with a sense of worry as he held a notebook close to his chest.

"Oh! Um," Still holding the door, she tried to focus her mind after the initial surprise. It was not the best time, but the look on his face was too expectant just to turn him away. "T-this is fine, but what is this about? Did something happen at the lab?" Even though she had plenty to worry about at home, she would still frequently fret about the goings on at the lab.

"Well," Arastoo opened his notebook and took out a folded report. "I did want to give you this report from the last case you were working before, well. y'know." He gave a light smile, acknowledging the chaotic day at the lab when her water broke right in front of him in the bone room and little Aida's momentous arrival.

With an awkward grimace, she nodded. "Oh yes, I remember." A part of herself still hadn't gotten over how the embarrassment of her water breaking practically on an intern and how she might ever hope to repair her sense of authority.

"Anyway," Arastoo stiffened his posture. "I just wanted to make sure you had it because I wasn't sure if you were reading your emails right now." He offered.

Cam took the report from his hand, though she wasn't entirely sure how committed she'd really be to reading it given her current state. "I will look it over when I have the chance. Is that all you came over here for, Mr. Vaziri?" She asked placidly, trying to maintain a stable front.

"Admittedly, Dr. Saroyan, all of the interns have been really worried about you and we do understand that our work comes first at the lab. However, I just wanted to make sure that you were alright, but now that I'm here this feels very unprofessional of me and I fully understand if you-"

"N-no!" She quickly muttered. "That's really very sweet of you; please, you can come inside." She gestured with a weak smile as Aida eyed him somewhat curiously. On any other day, perhaps, Cam would be annoyed with being disturbed at home, but her feelings were too manic to even process the disturbance. Furthermore, she aspired to be a stern boss, but not a cruel one.

Arastoo seemed surprised by the gesture, but gracefully nodded and made his way inside. He tentatively took a seat by the window while she sat diagonal to him on the couch, Aida nestled in her lap.

"You really don't have to be worried, about me I mean." Cam offered matter-of-factly as an attempt to maintain her authority and guardedness, even know. After her fights with not just Brennan and Angela, but also Michelle, a part of her was reflectively fighting over any sense of sympathy.

"Don't take this the wrong way, but how can anyone...not worry?" Arastoo said, a strong sense of conflict in his voice. Cam, again, felt surprised as his emotional sincerity and concern. "Death is not unfamiliar to us, but, Vincent..." He trailed off, trying not to look directly at Aida or Cam. He hadn't anticipated to come off this strong, but he felt shaken by Vincent's death as well and the other interns weren't always up to discuss it, not that he could blame them.

Cam looked away too, feeling the familiar build of emotions behind her eyes. "I am...dealing with this. It's not like Vincent and I planned on having a baby, it just sort of happened. H-he did want us to get married, and maybe because of that everyone doesn't think I'm handling it...well, but it's going through the motions." She shoved the issue aside as if such a tragedy like this happened to anyone.

"Forgive me, Dr. Saroyan, but this is not a case of just going through the motions." He asserted, now more open compared to his reserved behavior at the door.

She felt the lurch and impact of his words; he had been able to see right through her. Instinctively, she pulled Aida in closer to her body and sighed, looking away again as she felt her face pinch in tension. Admittedly, Cam felt like the longer she denied the full weight of what had happened to her, the more she could pretend that her life could go on normally. No matter how intelligent and capable she was, it still felt like the most reassuring reaction.

With another bewildered expression, Arastoo cursed under his breath. "I'm so sorry, I-I didn't mean to say something that accusatory. It's just all so difficult. Raising a child on your own isn't easy on its own, but trying to grieve at the same time feels simply...unimaginable." He swallowed a lump in his throat out of nerves. He hadn't come here with the intention of criticizing his boss' emotional state. "I just wanted to offer my, condolences is all."

"I-It's alright." She sniffled. A part of her couldn't believe that Arastoo was venturing so far into such an emotional subject, but it was a much needed apologetic approach. "No one knows how to talk about it, really, but it feels like everyone is...pushing me, no matter how much they deny it. Pushing me to express my grief a certain way or to even just to love Aida a certain way." The impact of her words could be seen on his face, though he was almost too stunned to continue talking. She had purposefully tried not to admit her lack of love for Aida to anyone in fear of the cruel connotation of such feelings.

"He'd be so disappointed in me." She felt her eyes glaze over again, the orange light reflecting off of them; her tears stopped bothering to account for an appropriate audience anymore. "I couldn't open up to him, and now I can't even open up to our child. Even Brennan and Angela think I've turned even colder since having her. After Broadsky shot him, right in front of me I just felt like my heart was absolutely...shattered, I don't even know how to clinically describe it. No matter how hard I try, it just doesn't seem like it can love anymore. I thought I felt that way when Michelle's father died, but still is entirely...worse."

Arastoo looked down at his folded hands, sorrowfully and clearly attempting to restrain the pain in his face. A part of him felt guilty for witnessing such vulnerability, but he still had a strong feeling to help. "You know," he looked at her sincerely. "One time, maybe a year ago, we all went out for drinks together. Daisy was just going on and on about Sweets, and we were all getting a bit bored or irritated. But Vincent, he just didn't even care. He had this starry look in his eyes, and he wistfully said something like: 'When two people in love hold eye contact for three minutes, their heart beats will synchronize.' " He was looking past Cam now, his expression light but still somewhat pained. "I'm sure, he was thinking about you."

Cam felt her face grow hot and she tensed while trying to wrangle Aida yet again.

His heartbeat.

She remembered it, though it wasn't something one would immediately think of. She could recall what sheer intimacy she felt when simply laying beside him, hearing the calming rhythm of his breath and heartbeat. They represented a tangible proof that he was there, with her. It was probably the slightest feature of a person, but she found herself missing it the most. It was something that was truly gone when he was gone; yes, she had his visible features through Aida, but it was the little senses that were nearly impossible to replicate and relive.

And, of course, there was the terror at having heard and felt his heartbeat fade away.

Cam felt the rush of emotion again, but she was really trying her best to keep it as tucked away as possible.

With a sympathetic look, Arastoo could read the impact of his words though he had never intended it to cause another emotional tear. However, the tense air proved that the traditional, protective barriers had come down. She was a widowed, single mother with smeared make-up, a broken stroller, and a nearly permanent hysterical infant. She wasn't his unfeeling, strict boss anymore.

"He was an amazing and compassionate person; I don't even think he had the ability to be disappointed in anyone, let alone the mother of his daughter." He tried to pull Cam out of her reddened eyes with a hopeful expression. "I feel like we all learned a lot from him, and not just from his facts."

Taking in his words, she nodded and felt a reserved smile on her face, the closest she had ever had in months. She had learned a lot. Maybe she hadn't always felt like a caring enough person for his bright self, but she was able to learn the value of viewing the world in such an excitable and curious way. Maybe, she thought, that was another thing Aida would inherit from her dad.

"Everyone has so many conflicting idea of how to move on not just because of you or Aida, but also because we all loved him so much. You're allowed to be sad, or even upset at fate for taking him away. You can also really try and push yourself to move on, but it's not easy to have such a clear sense of what we can do or what we should do." He offered sagely and with a soft tone. "I've been trying to gain a clearer sense through writing, actually, specifically in a poem a wrote for Aida."

Taking in his sincere, pained look, Cam felt another wash of surprise. "A-a poem?" She had understood that he wrote poetry since he was trying to publish a book of poems and was taking time off of work to do so, but one for Aida?

"I mean, I know she won't be able to read it for a long time, but I just...felt compelled to." He said with a twinge of defensiveness, eyebrows joining on his forehead, while Cam maintained her stunned expression. "Can I read it for you?"

She gave a tight, but still welcoming, nod.

"A single day can cause a shift, we are caught in its effects from begin and to end, what it can hold so unknown to our mental grip, though there is sacrament on this new ground;

The world may refuse to turn on this new direction, a cloud may fog over any sense of reflection, but so the future folds atop the past, maintaining its sense to last." He looked at her from his notebook, his expression was somewhat conflicted as if worried what emotional upheaval he might push Cam into.

Aida stopped squirming, as if she was equally mystified by Arastoo's words.

"I know it's kind of an overstep, Dr. Saroyan, but I felt like it was the least I could do. It's meant to be a poem of hope; hope that her life won't be defined by this tragedy, that she can can somehow get to know Vincent, and hope for you too."

"For me?"

"Yes, hope that you heart will learn how to love again."


End file.
